Nimble Thoughts

Micro thoughts and minor insights.

A collection of storytelling nibbles by:

© Cole Akins

The Rise of E-Friendly Fire


I'm in the middle of a job hunt. Every incoming email is a welcome moment of hope.  I could run a half marathon with the sudden dose of adrenaline.


G-baby in one arm, diaper in hand, iPhone in the other hand, I-must-check-email-now. 

So imagine the disappointment when that intoxicating ping! is nothing but spam. But not just any kind of spam. I'm talking about a form of unsolicited email that cannot be blocked, flagged, or ignored. These messages are not sent from some Constant Contact bot or faraway stranger selling diet pills. I'm talking about the ballistic onslaught of incoming political emails from known family members and friends. 

Ping! Ping! Ping!

Often times, I'm cc'd as a recipient in an email chain. Come COB on a weekday, the 'reply-all' responses start flowing.  It's the sweet sound of a sudden winning streak ... until reality strikes. 

Every time an op-ed piece or news story on Climate Change hits publications like the Economist or Wall Street Journal, I receive an email from an opinionated and well-intentioned family member sharing the article as ultimate "proof" that Global Warming isn't real. A hoax; nothing more than a political stunt from a well-organized scientific community with a well-coordinated agenda.

P.S: Global Warming is real.

Since November 2016, unsolicited headlines are turning family and friends into notorious email spammers -- merchants of information fodder in a war for real news.  The familiar whoosh and ping has become the battle cry in the latest round of the ongoing nonverbal political argument.The incredible polarization in today's national social and political policies, along with the quest to validate one's political position, have lead to the rise in politically overt messages sent to American email inboxes. 

If you're like me, you've received a hefty amount of emails from family members and friends caught up in the nation's divisive political theatre. 

I'm happy that friends and family members are reading and getting involved in political conversation. But this trend inspired me to have a little fun...

According to data acquired by B-team pollsters from Season 3 of the Bartlett Administration, since November 2016 overtly opinionated and unwanted spam emails from known parties are up 46% during the ten-day period of study (±8%). 

A deeper dive into the national data unveils percentage increases by relation:

Grandfather/Grandmother: 56% (from single Yahoo account)
Stepfather: 92%
Brother/Sister: 34%
Aunts/Uncles/Cousin: 37% (combined)
Mother: 53% (includes 57% chance of follow-up phone call)
Close Family Friend of Mother: 74%
Best Man/Bridesmaid: 37% (born in 1963 or later)

How to solve the influx of spam from known parties (amateur couch pundits)? How to win the argument presented, save face, and take the moral high ground, all while limiting unsolicited political emails?

Might I suggest, the non-binding legal response? This method elevates the argument to a level not worth a rebuttal due to the significant time and effort required to respond in equal measure. Best of all, the retort offers an intelligent solution with no direct confrontation required!

Upon receiving an email from a family member with a particular viewpoint that Climate Change is a hoax, I decided to take my counterargument to a higher level by mounting the following non-binding legal response:


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What do you think? Would Harvard Law accept me?